CAUGHT UP IN SELF DECEIT

My heart drains as I write this.

In my subconscious,  I thought I could control things, I thought I got it covered, I thought my good heart, my  intentions, sacrifices, selflessness, hard work, strength and commitment is all I needed to put in it. At some point I sort of used God, I tried  to manipulate him in my requests and prayers to just make things work for me just the way I wanted, I felt it was right. Gave my everything to make things work,  I said; "God I give all to you, take control" but I still hold on to it all ,  I still struggle with it and still face the battle my self.

…..Not knowing I was fetching inside a basket, I invested wrongly, I wasted it on the things that I should have let come naturally. Wait a minute, I thought there was nothing wrong being you and giving your best in everything you do. I thought I was better,  I felt highly of myself…. Oh gosh !!!!

Oh! stupid me, Ignored the signs….. oh don’t look at me that way, yes, I saw the red signal. It was telling me to take it slow, it was telling me to use my head not my heart, it was telling me to focus on God and he will settle every other thing , But I let my flesh, unfriendly  relationships,  my emotions, the side attractions distract me.

Now, I have been stabbed in the heart, no one is here to rescue, I am left with me and my stupidity, to deal with the mess. At every point in life, always be true to yourself, it will bounce back on you and it will hurt you more. So, for me, I ran back to the only one who will take me back regardless. I ran  to the cross…. Yes I went back to the one who gave the signals at first, he was trying to save me from this mess.  I just deceived myself, with lies and lots of excuses.

Hey! YOU! are you trying to manipulate God too? well sorry he is not man, he knows what’s best for you, so he won’t give in. OR are you been controlled by your emotions, neglecting the signs, the red signals flashing on your face……I laugh in Chinese, you  better wake up and face it no matter how difficult. You better walk away and let go before they break the sad news or before you fail at those things you think is right. You will deceive yourself and hate yourself afterwards.

People won’t care how you will feel or how you will deal with the pain or loss, just let  go of unhealthy relationships, bad habits, insecurities, emotional attachments or blackmails that you know deep down  is not the right one. Most especially, when you have foreseen the outcome. Well if you don’t heed now, dealing with the loss and guilt is terrible. At that point you begin to battle with regrets,  which leads to negative self-talk and depression.

 You better listen before you shoot yourself In the foot. self deception is the surest way to self-destruction, reality has a way of catching up with us. Just as surely as distress must follow self-deceit , healing must follow self-honesty 

 I am sure as you read this, you wondering why  do I sound like this… well, i Ignored the signals at some point  in my life and I deceived myself.  I thought I can control it all, I thought everything will go my way, I thought I could get God to just please me. The outcome was terrible, wasted time and resources, made nasty mistakes. It was all self-deceit. It hurts so badly.

You know, I felt like Jonah who deceived hims

elf by thinking he could run away from God. His experience in the belly of the fish was sure a terrifying one, he saw the greatness of God which later propelled him to submit to God.  You shouldn’t fall a victim, tell yourself the truth now and face it.

Jeremiah 17:9 says The heart is more deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly perverse and corrupt and severely mortally sick! Who can know it? Like who can perceive, understand, be acquainted with his own heart and mind?

So many times, we think we have got it covered, we give excuses and deceive ourselves and then at the end we wet our beds with tears regretting those actions. Enough of that friends, own up and do what is right when you feel the need. Quit self deceit. Save yourself the stress now.

 Just tell God to Invade you, to take charge of your heart, your mind and your everything , then you won’t be self-driven but will have peace and the holy spirit will lead you. Only if you choose to let him, Rom 8:6 says; Now the mind of the flesh, which is sense and reason, without the holy spirit; is death, and death that comprises all the miseries arising from sin, both here and hereafter, But the mind of the holy spirit is life and peace, now and forever.

It is not easy to learn the hard way, stop deceiving yourself with the saying “experience is the best teacher’’ oh well, on the negative side, you will regret those actions , you will wish you had known better before doing some things. So now you have the opportunity to learn from others stories, from the stories in the bible and by the teachings you get daily. Take heed.

Yaayiiii Peace!

Kore

photo credit: @esanharrisphotography